Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

This made me chuckle.

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.