Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

pizza

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.