Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.