We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Finished stitching this today 😇
