Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I self medicate, therefore you live.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly