We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.