We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
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This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I mean…but I did
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
I already tried new things thanks.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
This billboard speaks to me
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.