Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

😭😭

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.