Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X