We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
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According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?