We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Never let them know your next move 😂
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.