We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Today’s Times
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”