We made a comic about a space heater.
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
