We made a comic about a space heater.
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
go easy on yourself <3
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.