We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
