We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Sex so good you see dead people.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My neck my back my allergy attack
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
