Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

This fish is cracking me up

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.