Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

But is it really??

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore