We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Cats (2019)
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”