Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

same vibe as tangled headphones

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

why would tinder want me to say this

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this