@freedom2726

“We met in church.”

Lies we tell kids.

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.

@juskewitch

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

@OfficeofSteve

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

@OhReallyRach

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@GetCougarized

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

@Havish_AF

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

@daphne_mir

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

@Jake_Vig

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol