Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.
“We met in church.”
Lies we tell kids.
You Might Also Like
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol