Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

British websites use biscuits.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.