We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*