We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
this has done me in for some reason
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?