We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
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[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
A French press is when you hug naked
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.