We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
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being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”