Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan