Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat