Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

He took my last fry, your honor

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”