We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
But that’s none of my business
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The symmetry is uncanny.
