We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!