Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.