Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

wtf management?!

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils