We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Birds & Planes.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….