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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.