we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
You Might Also Like
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.