Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

“How’s your day going?”

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks