I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”