We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Important reminders
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
