We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
