We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”