We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]