We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.