we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.