Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

TODAY