we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot