Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route