We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
never deleting this app.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
So many people to disappoint, so little time
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.