We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’m sorry…what?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
