We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
