We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?