Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

our love story in four pictures

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.