Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Why is everyone getting married at me

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

Still my favourite meme.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

My time has come.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed