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Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?