Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Today’s Times

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh