We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out