We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.