We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Butt weight. There’s more!
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.