Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing