We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
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Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
yall want some gasoline milk
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.