Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO