i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
The best shot in the history of golf
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.