“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
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mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
time for some seasonal decor
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”