We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
You Might Also Like
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*