We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.