We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
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AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
feetloaf
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK