We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
The prophecy is fulfilled
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.