Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Ok who’s got my black socks?

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.