We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Gemma Correll
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O