“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
58.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what