“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness