“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Children of the corn 🌽
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
sensitive skin
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!