We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Love is in the air fryer.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!