Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Thrilling chase underway

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry