We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
You Might Also Like
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My Guy
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
this could fix me
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?