We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
just witnessed a drug deal
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”