We need it on priority
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Donkey Kong sommelier
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
my fav colour is also hitler
