We need it on priority
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Matthew was born for this.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
get you a girl who
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks