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[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.