We need it on priority
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It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Still cracks me up
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ