We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.