Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.