Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc